


Don't Ever Look Back

by overkill_max



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Powers, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Road Trips, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 18:54:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20765279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overkill_max/pseuds/overkill_max
Summary: They just graduated college and Lena needs to get away from it all. What starts as a way to find some breathing room ends up with them falling in love. The problem is that Lena is set to go to Metropolis and Kara will stay at National City. Can one summer be enough?akaThe Teenage Dream AU





	Don't Ever Look Back

**Author's Note:**

> For: withabrandnewname.tumblr.com

** _National City, Present Day _ **

Lena moves back to national city in August.

It feels poetic in a way that is too painful to unpack this very moment. She rubs uselessly at her temples, trying to pretend she has an oncoming headache in front of the movers instead of an overwhelming feeling of sadness and heartbreak that has never fully gone away.

Lena put those ugly and painful feelings into boxes, the same ones she had been lugging around since graduation, down to her lab and her corner office at LuthorCorp. When she gets coffee at the place with slam poetry at night and too many hung over baristas during the day. She lugs them like her movers do with her fragile things from the truck to her new penthouse. Except those boxes are not always on the verge of being tipped over and spilling all the things she didn’t want to let back into her life. Memories of how she used to be young and in love and stupid enough to believe that everything would last in that one perfect moment.

It had been doomed from the start; their love had an expiration date they were both painfully aware of before they even went on that stupid trip.

She hates herself for suggesting it in the first place because it had hurt just the same, if not more, than if it had been unexpected.

They both went into the whole thing with eyes wide open, except Kara had been a believer before their first kiss. Since the moment they met, really. Kara had believed in Lena and them. All the way to the end she thought they were enough, that their love could span the country the way their shitty van had done just after graduation.

It was Lena who forced Kara to give up on them. Always the realist she knew how it would end. Missed calls, less conversation, visits that were planned but never panned out due to their lives becoming busier and more complicated… becoming less… less everything until there was nothing but miles and static on the line between them. Lena made Kara promise that she would leave Metropolis and go back to National City. Reminding her that it was over. For real this time. Not like when they tried to break up after they got rained out of the forest in Virginia.

They had one summer. One magical summer where they could be in love and that had to be enough.

It was enough.

//

** _National City, Five Years Ago _ **

It’s a Saturday night in the middle of May. Lena had walked the stage earlier, earning her PhD in biomedical engineering and an MBA to please her parents. It had been brutal and she was feeling burnt out but it was worth it because it was the only compromise her parents had agreed to when Lena graduated MIT at 15 as a disappointment. She had chosen a double major in biology and mechanical engineering with a minor in business instead of going to Harvard to study business and then go to Yale Law, like Lex.

She was a prodigy by everyone else’s standards except theirs. They thought she would be more useful for LuthorCorp and by extension them, if she was able to act as backup for Lex, who had a penchant for partying and bleeding money to impress girls and others in their social circles instead of truly applying himself at anything LuthorCorp related. Outside of cashing his checks, of course. Minimal work was rewarded with a sizeable check thanks to nepotism.

MIT was hard enough with their constant visits and expectations. She felt suffocated and would have done anything to leave their East Coast bubble behind. It was why she applied to National City University for grad school. It was as far as she could physically be from them without being snubbed by her peers. Nothing made you a social pariah faster than going from a prestigious university to some no named one in the middle of the country.

NCU was a prestigious research university and her parents could be mad at her behind closed doors while celebrating her acceptance in front of their friends. Her success became theirs. Lillian glowed under their thinly veiled jealousy as they congratulated her with tight smiles. Lena had gotten into NCU on merit alone while their children had to come in with a newly donated dorm or classroom upgrades for their department.

Lena had been happy at NCU but graduating meant she had to go back to Metropolis to help her family. Even if she had wanted to stay and work in Professor Spheer’s lab as a post-doc because her passion was groundbreaking research, not board meetings.

She sighed as she continued to pack.

The only upside of her family having an obscene amount of money is that her moves consisted of her showing up at the airport. Everything else would be taken care of. Even the packing was done by professionals. Lena just liked packing because it gave her something to occupy her time with before she really had to say goodbye to the city she fell in love with.

There was a knock on her door and Lena smiles, thinking it might be Kara, another reason she didn’t want to leave National City behind. Kara is 3 years older than her and got her bachelor’s in marketing. They met while trying to track down an elusive TA in the maze that was the very modern and poorly designed business annex. He never posted office hours and always hung out in the grad student office, except when you needed to find him. They failed to track him down, but they did find each other and that was better than anything else Lena could have asked for.

Lena opens the door to find the last person she ever expected to be at her door: Morgan Edge. She freezes momentarily, her heart beats faster and she looks behind him, trying to find out why he would show up here after everything that happened between them. All she sees is a red Porsche, like the one he crashed a year ago while drinking and driving. Lena had almost been in the car with him. They hadn’t spoken much after that.

“I didn’t know you were back on campus, Morgan.” Is all she manages to say.

Morgan smiles in the same way that she used to find charming and now only serves to irritate her. “Yeah, my mom had to buy a new pool or whatever… but I’m back and I think we should pick up where we left off.” Lena wants to laugh at the absurdity of his words. But the more she thinks about that night, how he was so drunk that he left bruises on her arms from where she refused to leave with him, the angrier she feels. She is fuming at how he thinks he can waltz into her life again after all this time and just expect to pick up as if the party hadn’t happened.

“Where we left off?!” Lena pokes at his chest. “Where we left off is that you said your mom thought it was a good idea to find yourself a fucking breeding mare that was rich and stupid enough to manipulate. I wasn’t your first choice, but I was rich enough… and when I told you to fuck off and leave me alone it took four of your frat buddies to fight you off. You shouted in front of everyone what an uptight bitch I was, grabbed Leslie, a bottle of scotch, and proceeded to wrap your car into the nearest tree you could find.”

Morgan looks down and coughs awkwardly.

“Maybe she was stupid enough to forgive you for the coma you put her in, but I’m not.” Lena hates bringing the other girl into this, but she doesn’t know how else to get across that she wanted nothing to do with Morgan. Not after he showed them all who he truly was.

“Please Lena, at least give me five minutes to talk with you… I think I can convince you that I’ve changed.” Lena takes in his expensive suit and good looks, the clean shaven face he’s forced to don now that his beard grows patchy on the left side of his face, not quite managing to grow over the scars he got from a broken bottle he was about to take a swig from before he hit the tree, and she wants to be anywhere but here.

“If it makes you feel better, say it, but just remember that like every other time a woman has asked you to not do something or to do something, you’re still choosing what you want and not what they want.” Her words don’t register because he looks happy to get a yes in that smarmy way of his.

“Thanks Lena, I just wanted to say I’m sorry and I know you’re better off without me, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not sorry that I was a jerk and I really think that now that Leslie doesn’t want to hang out anymore, we should try again… but for real this time… no other girls, just you.” He smiles and Lena’s anger boils over. She grabs her keys from the hook next to the door and locks her house before she says or does something they will both regret.

“Well, you’re right about one thing Morgan, I am better off without you.”

//

Lena walks the 20 blocks to Alex and Kara’s apartment from her place. They don’t live on campus like she does, Alex had moved to National City first and was lucky enough to find a rent-controlled apartment relatively close to the university. It’s not in the best neighborhood and they have to share a bedroom, but there is a warmth that Lena’s life had lacked that drew her to apartment 4A so often that she spent more nights there than her own house.

Even while being completely out of sorts, she knocks softly on their door. Manners too ingrained to ignore.

“Come in.” She hears Kara call out before hearing her trip over the coffee table that is always covered with laundry that never quite makes it to their closet. Laughter fills the apartment and Lena feels her anxiety melt away. As she opens the door an out of breath Kara is standing right in front of her holding some cash in her hand, clearly expecting a delivery from Chow Hong’s.

“Lena!” Kara doesn’t seem disappointed that she’s not her takeout and she’s quickly enveloped in a crushing hug that makes everything feel better.

“Hey Lena.” Alex greets her more casually, not bothering to get up from her spot on the couch.

“Sweetie, how are you?” Eliza asks as she dries her hands on one of the fall towels that are out of place in May but might be the only ones they managed to fish out of their clean laundry pile.

Lena smiles and she goes from Kara’s arms to Eliza’s. “I’m good Dr. Danvers.”

“We’re colleagues now, so you have to call me Eliza… otherwise I will call you Dr. Luthor.” Lena flushes and nods, feeling validated by this small moment.

“We’re still waiting for dinner to get here, want to join us?” Kara asks as she starts pulling her into the apartment. The invitation feeling rhetorical as she’s already being led to the couch, right next to a sleepy Alex.

//

Lena knew that Kara was dying to ask her what was wrong all throughout dinner. It wasn’t that she was unwelcomed, in fact, they had celebrated both of Lena’s commencement ceremonies. Yesterday when she had earned her doctorate with the rest of the engineering departments at NCU, Eliza had taken them all to lunch at her favorite restaurant. It was pricey and Kara frowned at how small the portions were, but she didn’t complain. Her forehead crinkled in that cute way it did when Lena knew something was bothering her, but she didn’t want to voice it.

After lunch today, when they had the ceremonies for the humanities departments, which included business for Lena and marketing for Kara; they had invited her to spend the rest of her day with them, but she excused herself. Wanting to be home in case her parents called or tried to skype her.

Even Lex had forgotten.

It was probably why Morgan Edge showing up unexpectedly at her doorstep stung so much. Everyone had shown up except her own family.

After dinner, Kara excuses them both and drags Lena into the bedroom. Her forehead is sporting that crinkle and Lena doesn’t want to bring any of this up. She doesn’t want to talk about her family or Morgan or how she has to say goodbye to the only family that supported her, even when she wasn’t part of it.

“Run away with me.” Kara worries her lip and stares at Lena. Looking for any clues as to what happened. Understanding that something is wrong but Lena isn’t ready to talk about it right now. Lena will tell her when she’s ready. Kara smiles.

“Okay. Yeah. Give me half an hour to pack up and we can leave tonight.”

Lena sighs in relief. Glad that Kara doesn’t even question why Lena showed up so late and wanted to get away from the city so desperately.

Kara was perfect like that. 

//

Kara is halfway done with Alex’s duffle bag when she empties out her nice suitcase, the one Lena gave her before Christmas last year, and tells Lena that she should pack too.

While Lena packs a mix of what she has clean here, and some of Kara’s clothes, Kara leaves the room to grab some of the pile from the coffee table.

Lena doesn’t mean to overhear the conversation, but the walls are thin.

“Honey, it’s close to midnight, can’t your trip wait until the morning?” Eliza asks with concern in her voice.

“No, mom, it can’t. If we don’t leave now, then we won’t be able to leave town until next week with all this graduation traffic and we’ve been planning this for weeks. You saw how backed up everything was, we almost missed our reservation.” Kara answers.

“Did you at least have that stupid rust bucket checked? Or is your trip just until you break down before you reach the city limits?” Alex asks in that annoyed way where she doesn’t want to admit to Kara that she’s worried about her.

Kara’s hesitation speaks volumes, Lena knows that it could cost them the trip and she doesn’t want to stay in the city another day.

She can’t.

She’s suffocating here and she doesn’t know why.

“Honey, take my credit card… if… if you guys run into any trouble, don’t hesitate to use it.”

“Mom, Lena—” Alex tries to interject but Eliza cuts her off in that gentle but firm way she uses when she’s trying to respect her children but knows she’s in the right.

“Lena is Kara’s responsibility while she’s a passenger in her car. I know that you were not about to suggest that because Lena has the means she should constantly shoulder the financial burden of the road trip they both planned. That is not fair to Lena, who is more than her family’s money. Or to your sister, who wouldn’t lie about planning a big road trip like this and will surely take her phone charger with her so she can call her poor mother at least once a day because she knows that otherwise I—”

“—jeez mom, and people think we don’t look Jewish. That guilt trip alone is enough to convince anyone we have our Rabbi on speed dial.” Alex cuts in and Lena goes into the bathroom to avoid hearing the rest of their conversation. Thinking about how her family wouldn’t even care if she left unexpectedly but Kara’s trusted her enough to let her go.

“_Would they even care if I disappeared?_” she thinks as she stares down at her toothpaste. Her eyes focus behind her and sees her shower products in the corner of the overcrowded bathroom. She has it all to herself and she doesn’t even live here. “_They would care… they would notice…_”

//

They drive for a couple of hours before Kara is too exhausted to go on.

After brushing their teeth, they go back to their car, a 1971 Volkswagen van that is always loaded with camping gear, backpacks for hiking and tents. The Danvers had not originally been very outdoorsy but that all changed when Kara came into their lives.

Her whole town had been buried under the rubble of a major earthquake when she was younger. She was found under the wreckage of what used to be her home right before they were about to call off the search. Kara had been trapped for 12 days and only feared two things: confined spaces and the dark.

It took her a whole year of sleeping on the backyard furniture with the back-porch light always on, for her to finally breathe again. Endless nights of Eliza and Alex sleeping next to her in a tent, trying to coax her there as a way to compromise. Nights of stargazing with Jeremiah as a way to connect with her new family. It took a year for her to trust that not everyone would be buried alive next to her if she let her guard down.

They closed the curtains in the back of the van but kept the front windows uncovered so that the flickering lights of the parking lot could still shine through.

Once they were settled in, it seemed that they couldn’t go to sleep.

“Do you—” Kara started to ask.

“No.” Lena quickly shut her down.

“Okay… well what about thinking about where we want to go instead? I’ve always wanted to see Niagara Falls”

“That’s on the other side of the country.” Lena reminds Kara.

“I know… but I was thinking, you have the summer to pack up or whatever and my internship at Daxam Marketing doesn’t start until the end of August, so… maybe we could use this time to go across the country and I don’t know… see the world’s largest ball of yarn or whatever before we come back around and pack up your stuff.” Kara shrugs as if she didn’t care what Lena had to say but her eyes were so hopeful that she quickly agreed.

//

** _Big Basin Redwood State Park, Five Years Ago _ **

“It says here that the trees in the park measure more than 300-feet tall and 50-feet in circumference. Scientists estimate that these trees may range from 1,000 to 2,500 years old.” Lena reads from the brochure they were given at the information booth at the front of the park. “They also have suggested hiking trails we should follow.”

//

Even with Kara carrying the heaviest backpack with all their food and most of their water, Lena’s legs are burning. They leave the Redwood Grove and she pretends to share Kara’s excitement at reaching the waterfalls. Her feet start aching as they pass the sign that mentions how Berry Creek Falls is a 6-hour round-trip and the words “STRENUOUS HIKE” are all in caps. Her strict regimen of reading scientific journals while on her stationary bike did not prepare her for the next couple of hours or pure torture.

//

Lena’s feet are sore and bloody and painful by the time they get back to the van. Kara feels guilty for pushing her, for not remembering that she doesn’t have years of doing this to every summer to fall back on. She’s lavishing attention on Lena, who feels guilty for liking the way Kara dotes on her.

After a few hours of Kara falling over backwards to make Lena happy and comfortable she suggests that they go to sleep early. That they watch the sunrise tomorrow and start new. Maybe even stop at a nice hotel when they’re in San Francisco.

“Are… are you sure you want to do more walking? Maybe we should stick to something a bit more laid back for the next couple of days.”

“Kara this is our road trip. It’s not fair if we go across the country and only see things I want to see. I picked my things and you picked yours… we’ll just spend another day here to rest or two. It’s a whole summer, all we have is time.”

Kara immediately relaxes. Lena smiles and she can feel herself drift off. The way everything is so quiet combined with Kara’s warm and solid presence are the perfect environment for falling asleep quickly. She yawns and burrows further into Kara’s arms.

For the first time, in a long time, she feels happy and excited about tomorrow. The expectations of her family along with the disappointment she felt before start to melt away and she can finally rest.

//

** _Government Island State Recreation Area, Five Years Ago _ **

Their car is parked across the Columbia River, in the economy parking lot. Lena had used her credit card to pay for a boat to ferry them from there to the recreation area on the other side of the island.

They disembark and Lena handles the arrangements for getting picked up on the same spot two days from now while Kara makes sure that their stuff is all there and ready for them to camp out in the sand on the beach.

//

Their tent has been up for hours by the time the sun is starting to set. They spot is as secluded as they can get when there are families all around this strip of beach drinking and having fun in the middle of a weekday because it’s finally summer.

It’s not as crowded as it could be, but it’s not as isolated as their previous adventure.

Kara is lighting up their small bonfire and Lena smiles at how nice it is to not have to worry about cooking or anything else when it came outside of the general logistics of this trip.

Kara was good like that.

She was kind and thoughtful and always took care of things that Lena would have never thought about needing to be given a second thought. Like how she always refilled the soap in their apartments before the container ran out. Just little things to show how much she cared that always added up to big things. Like making sure that in the middle of a brutal hike they had a warm meal. Or right now, in this beach without stores, Kara brought along the ingredients to make smores along with their food because Lena had mentioned years ago how she had never made them.

//

They’re laughing and licking melted chocolate and marshmallow from their fingers and Lena blurts out why she needed to run away.

“Morgan dropped by after graduation…”

Kara, to her credit, doesn’t sound as shocked as her face looks. She schools her features into something gentler as she tries to encourage Lena to talk. “Oh? What did he say?”

Lena huffs. “Yeah, he came by with a brand new car, just like the one he crashed and was talking about how sorry he was and that we should try again… and all I thought about was Lex… like… eww… I know he’s not my brother but they’re the similar kind of douchey rich guy that only cares about themselves and ughh…”

Kara laughs. “It’s easy to see that now… but I bet when you met him all you saw was how beneath all that hair gel and axe body spray he was someone that just got you… you know?”

Lena nods and sighs. “I know, but I’m supposed to be smarter than him… how could I not see how much of a jerk he was until that night?”

Kara shrugs. “You were in love. When you’re in love with someone you just kind of don’t let yourself notice little things like that because you always see the best of them.”

Lena wipes at her eyes. “He actually came back and apologized. Wanted to try again. Can you believe him?”

Kara nods absentmindedly before answering. “Yeah.” Lena rolls her eyes and kicks sand her way. Kara puts her hands up in defeat. “Come on, I would want you back. A year or like ten years from whenever. He’s a jerk but he’s not a complete idiot. You’re amazing. Of course I believe he wanted you back.”

There is such raw honesty in Kara’s eyes that Lena has to look away. Her chest feels tight and she doesn’t know what is happening.

Kara rubs soothing circles on her back when she doesn’t know how to answer. “Just because he’s there doesn’t mean you have to be with him… not if you don’t want to… you deserve to have someone better. Someone that… I don’t know someone that loves you as much as you love them… someone that actually knows what your favorite color is or how you actually like maple syrup in your coffee but only during the winter…”

Lena smiles and leans into Kara.

They stay out there until Lena doesn’t feel as lost. 

//

** _Glacier National Park, Five Years Ago _ **

Lena had liked Montana as a whole, up until the point they reached another orange closed trail sign. It indicated there was a bear danger on this trail. The third one they had wanted to take in this general direction.

Kara shrugged and reminded Lena that this park was one of the few remaining areas that provides security and habitat for both black and grizzly bears. Lena thought she was joking about the bears and was trying to get a rise out of her by randomly clapping as they walked and yelling loudly until they ran into a group of hikers doing the exact same thing.

“Bears will usually move out of the way if they hear people coming their way.” Kara shrugs as she explains again why they had to feel like idiots during their hike. 

//

“As much as I loved back country camping and having to pee on rocks so animals wouldn’t come digging for salt in my urine, I need a shower and a toilet that flushes…” Lena informs Kara as she pulls into the Glacier Peaks Casino parking lot.

When they get to the reception desk Kara’s eyes look like they’re about to pop out at the prices. Lena wants to tell her that it’s fine, she can cover this, but Kara had talked about splitting the cost of hotels earlier and that makes her stop.

She thinks about Eliza reminding her not to let Lena pay for everything just because she could. How Kara had insisted that they split costs for hotels and gas to ensure that the trip feels like it’s theirs. She thinks back to how Kara was often tired because she had picked up a double shift at Noonan’s on the weekend so she could help with the costs that her scholarships didn’t cover. How she shares a one-bedroom apartment with Alex who was finishing up her residency as a neurosurgeon and occasionally moonlighted at another clinic for extra cash when they needed groceries.

It makes Lena’s decision to ask for the cheapest room they have instead of automatically going for the penthouse a little easier.

When they’re on the elevator Kara smiles at her in such a way that Lena knows she’s made the right choice.

//

A choice she instantly regrets as soon as she realizes they’re sharing a bed.

Which is silly, given how they’ve shared a bed before. They’ve even shared sleeping bags in the tent on the beach and often cuddled in the van. But this felt different.

Heavier.

Like they might be on the verge of something that Lena doesn’t have time to think about, so she goes into the bathroom and takes a long, hot shower.

When it’s Kara’s turn, she sings while she scrubs the layers of dirt and soot away.

Lena turns the tv on and doesn’t remember falling asleep on top of the covers until she wakes up from a nightmare where bears were chasing them, and she’s wrapped up in the blankets like a burrito. Right next to Kara whose skin is so soft, and it smells like strawberries when she breathes in before closing her eyes again and sighing contently.

//

** _Kansas City, Five Years Ago _ **

They finish their visit to the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art with a walk in the parks nearby as they argue where to eat that night.

“Let’s just see where the night takes us.” Kara suggests before continuing her thought. “I think if we turn left here, we can hit up some pretty good restaurants on 47th, and they’re on the way to our hotel.”

They end up at a café/bar that Lena instantly hates because everyone is packed in too close together and while they try to wait for a table to clear up a group of guys has already approached them.

Kara, ever friendly and magnetic, even in bad neon lighting, strikes up an easy conversation that makes Lena feel annoyed.

When they’re seated, Jimmy, the guy who keeps trying to get Kara’s attention, and Louis, who has tried to talk to Lena about football for the past couple of minutes while she pretends she can’t hear over the music; both sit down with them. It grates on her nerves. They’re uninvited but Kara doesn’t seem to mind. It seems that it’s only Lena who understands why they’re being so annoying.

They have dinner and a couple of drinks.

Lena is still unable to legally drink but the guys must be regulars because they get drinks for the table without anyone being asked for their IDs.

Lena downs two glasses of cheap red wine and is angry at how they didn’t get kicked out because she’s underaged. She’s on her third glass when Jimmy leans in and Kara is blushing as she laughs, and it feels like she’s about to boil over with how angry she is. So, she downs her glass and stands up so fast that she wobbles.

Louis grabs at her with hands that are too calloused and clammy and she swats them away as she heads for the exit. Not caring about how rude she was by not even thanking him.

“Lena!” She hears behind her. It’s Kara’s stupid worried voice. The one that is always accompanied by that crinkle that would certainly give her away if she were to turn back and look. Instead she steps outside and starts walking back to their overpriced hotel.

A small luxury they earned by sleeping in their van for majority of the midwestern states. She shakes her head and gets angry. It’s not their van, it’s Kara’s crappy van that doesn’t afford her any privacy. Lena wants one minute alone where Kara’s hot breath isn’t on her neck or on her ear because it’s so annoying. She can’t fall asleep because all she thinks about is Kara.

“Hey, Lena, wait. Where are you going?” She heard Kara shout before her shoes start smacking against the pavement. Getting louder until suddenly she’s standing there, and Lena wants Kara to hold her tightly and apologize for letting those stupid guys sit on their table.

“Just go back to your stupid boyfriend.” Is what she says instead.

Kara looks confused. “My… what? Who? Jimmy? He’s not…” Kara starts denying it but she’s flushed and Lena hates the thought that it could be due to Kara not minding being with someone like him. Someone clearly wrong for her.

“Just admit you like him.” As she hears herself say this she feels so stupid and it’s just like high school in the movies where they fight about boys.

“Lena, what is your problem with Jimmy? He’s a nice guy.” Kara says but she she’s not upset, she’s leaning back and taking her in. In that annoying way that makes her feel transparent.

“I don’t have a problem with him. Just… at least let me know if I should even wait for you tonight or not.” It’s so petulant that she feels as immature as everyone claims she is.

Kara looks hurt at the accusation and then angry. “I don’t know why you’re upset but you’re my friend, not my girlfriend, so you don’t get to be mad at me for who I like or don’t like. Or who I want to sleep with.”

Those words make her flush and realize that she’s out of her depth and drunk. “I do get to be mad at you because he’s an idiot.” Lena tries again.

“I’m sorry that not everyone is a genius like you. Some of us are stuck being normal. I don’t get you Lena, why are you so mean for no reason? Why tonight?” Kara says as she starts walking away.

“Ughh, Kara, it’s not that. It’s just… he’s an idiot. He doesn’t know that you like your coffee disgustingly sweet and seasonal, even in the middle of the summer. Or that your favorite clothes change depending on your mood or whether or not you think your sister will judge you for wearing too many pastels.”

Kara’s shoulders drop before she turns around to face Lena. Who can’t seem to stop her mouth from continuing.

“He doesn’t know why you love the Wizard of Oz or that it took until last year for you to call Eliza mom instead of calling her your adoptive mother or just calling her Eliza.”

//

Their fight had fizzled out after Lena reminded her that she was better than some random bar guy, but the hurt was still there.

It was the only night Lena slept alone.

Kara slept on the floor next to her.

//

The next morning Kara’s eyes were bloodshot and tired. Lena would have been fine with pretending that nothing had happened if Kara had been anyone else. But she was her best friend, she needed them to be okay.

//

Past the midway point between Kansas City and their next destination. Lena pulled over on a country road. They were on the outskirts of Kingdom City, Missouri and Kara was still sleeping against the door.

//

Lena has been rehearsing her apology for an hour by the time Kara wakes up. Her eyes are unfocused and oh so blue. Lena wonders why it took her this long to realize what was wrong between them.

“I’m sorry about last night.” She says before Kara can ask where they are.

“It’s okay.” She smiles happily, still a bit tired and not yet awake.

“No… it’s not. I… I was… you were right. I was being mean, and I shouldn’t have said all those things. Not about Jimmy or you or any of it… especially when you didn’t say mean things about me when I started dating Morgan but just supported me… even though I know you didn’t like the way he treated me… you still supported me.”

Kara nods. And Lena tries to keep going through her speech that seems to fall apart the longer she stares into Kara’s eyes.

“I… I just want to thank you for being there for me. For being patient. For… for just running away and not looking back when I showed up at your doorstep needing to get away from it all.”

“What are friends for?” Kara asks and Lena bites her lip.

“Yeah, friends… friends who know each other’s coffee order by heart and understand deep childhood traumas…”

Kara laughs. “Okay, fine, best friends.”

Lena smiles distractedly.

“Gosh, you were so drunk last night. I can’t believe we were arguing over a boy… ugh.” Kara laughs into her hands as she stretches. “It was so stupid. Like I didn’t even like him and you just sounded so—”

“—jealous?” Lena fills in and suddenly the air is sucked right out the front seat.

“Yeah…” Kara’s crinkle is back, she was clearly thinking of another word, and she knows Kara is trying to figure out why Lena would be jealous of some stupid boy. “Why… why would you be jealous of Jimmy?” 

Lena looks away. They’re surrounded by a canopy of trees and an empty, dirt road that stretches on for miles in either direction. She doesn’t want to say it aloud. She wants to pretend that she doesn’t know either. That she said the wrong word. But everything feels so heavy right now. So serious between them.

“I… I think I was jealous and angry because you said that I wasn’t your girlfriend and… and that hurt because I didn’t know how much I wanted that to be true…”

“You wanted me to be your girlfriend?” Kara asks high pitched and nervous.

“Want. As in present tense…” Lena corrects her and blushes at how nerdy she sounds but clarity feels important in this moment.

Kara bites her lip and fixes her glasses as she looks out the front window. “I… I think I want that too.”

//

They didn’t make it to the back seat by the time Lena has her first orgasm. Grinding against Kara’s hand at an awkward angle while their clothes are on and pushed aside.

//

They make it to the back eventually and stay there until the sun comes up again.

//

** _Gateway Arch National Park, Five Years Ago _ **

Lena takes way too many pictures of the building the arch section of the museum. Three of them alone are of the mathematical equation that Lena tries to explain excitedly to Kara. “See and the triangular cross-sectional area varies linearly with the vertical height of its centroid… I mean… wow this is such a great example of an inverted weighted catenary.” She finishes with such awe in her voice that Kara can’t think of anything else but to kiss her. Conservative families in the same tour group be damned.

They finish their first day on a riverboat down the Mississippi River and Lena seriously contemplates pushing Kara overboard when she won’t stop quoting Maverick. Telling Lena that she was just a gambler and not a gun fighter while drawing finger guns at her.

//

** _Hoosier National Forest, Five Years Ago _ **

They rent a cabin right by Lake Monroe. Skipping the curbside and carry in campsites altogether. Even with Kara being prepared to use either one of them, it was nice to be able to shower after they walked around the campground.

After they chat with Eliza on the phone that night, they have a new mission on their hike the next day. To look for geodes. Lena feels lost because her courses didn’t cover this. Kara smiles as she mentions how it was an elementary school thing and all she remembers is that on the outside the rocks should look cauliflower like.

Hauling rocks while undertaking another massive hike that involves over 170 steps that they had to go down and back up again makes Lena feel sweaty and anxious to get back to the cabin.

//

** _Boston, Five Years Ago _ **

Lena gives Kara a personal tour of her alma mater. They sneak into an empty lecture hall and she reminisces about her underactuated robotics class. She remembers how they see Stochastic Gradient Descent within a lot of things, like neural networks, because it seemed biologically plausible to use these computationally involved techniques as a way to mirror the aspects of things like how animals learn. Kara doesn’t let her finish that thought. She eats her out against the blackboards and the echoing of her own pleasure makes her feel dizzy with exhilaration.

When they’re done touring, Kara has to practically carry her back to the hotel. Her legs feel unsteady and she can’t stop giggling with how happy she is.

//

** _Independence National Historical Park, Five Years Ago _ **

The symbolism of seeing cracks already forming in their relationship while they were visiting the liberty bell was not lost on Lena.

They had been meandering around Washington Square, eating ice cream as a way to talk about what they had learned about in their tour through the President’s House Site. Kara had brought up how wonderful it was that Lena would be living so close to all these historical sites as she would like to see some more of them next year, once they don’t have to rush through their road trip and Lena stopped mid stride as dread overtook her. Kara had the wrong idea. That they could be more than this.

It had to end as soon as the summer did.

They had lives to get back to and time could only stop once.

Kara turned around and looked confused before coming back to stand next to Lena. She looked around, trying to see what caught her attention without realizing that it was brought on by her hopeful allusion to the future. Their future. Her eyes were so clear, and she laughed brightly when she saw that there was nothing there. Thinking that Lena was playing a joke. She kissed Lena and told her that she loved her in that unremarkable way where she didn’t understand how it further fractured her heart.

//

** _Colonial Annapolis Historic District, Five Years Ago _ **

She knew she had been moody since Philadelphia, but she couldn’t help it. She needed to let Kara know that they didn’t have a future together because it wasn’t realistic. The problem was that Lena didn’t know how to bring it up. Now when she could practically see how Kara fell deeper in love with her with each moment they shared.

It happened every time their shoulders brushed, and Kara would turn to smile at her. Whenever Kara reached over to hold her hand. Or when Kara leaned in to kiss her, it felt as if there was nothing else in the world she would rather do but stop this moment and keep it in her heart forever.

Lena stared up at the Shiplap house and wondered if their love could endure as much as these stone walls had. 

//

** _Wright Brothers National Memorial, Five Years Ago _ **

“I’m so glad they did the whole airplane thing, you know? Makes it easier to go cross country whenever I need to see you.” Kara said distractedly as she kissed Lena’s hand and aimed her cellphone at the 1903 Sculpture depicting the first flight.

Lena frowned.

“Why would you need to see me?” She asked, not ready for this conversation but needing it to be over.

Kara laughed, not sensing the change in mood, as Lena’s tone had been neutral. “Why wouldn’t I want to see my girlfriend?” She answers distractedly. Still trying to get that perfect picture to send back to her mom.

“What if we’re not.”

“We’re not? Wait what?” Kara turns around and gives Lena her full attention.

“What if we’re not girlfriends by then?” Lena doesn’t know what her mouth is doing but she needs to get it out. She has to be honest.

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Kara’s forehead crinkles as she tries to understand why they wouldn’t still be together. As if time zones and distance mean nothing.

“Because you live in National City and I’m moving to Metropolis.” Lena answers as if she were talking to a petulant child.

Kara sense her shift in tone and laughs nervously. “Lena, I think this whole museum is pretty much built to show that distance doesn’t really matter as much… plus we have these.” She shakes her phone to emphasize her point.

“I just thought that with the distance, it would seem obvious.” Lena tells her as she looks away.

“I guess it wasn’t if I’m still not getting the message… is… is there a message that I should be getting?” Kara asks in a small voice.

Lena continues to stare at the horizon, pretending she can’t feel the stares from other tourists at the tears running down her face.

“Lena?” Kara steps closer and tries to hold her hands but Lena pulls back.

“I don’t think… I mean… long distance is always so messy and complicated…” She says as she wipes at her cheeks and hugs herself.

“I can handle messy and complicated.” Kara reassures her.

“What if I can’t?” Lena asks with a broken voice.

“Then I can teach you… or we can learn together how to handle messy and complicated.” Kara reaches out for her again and this time Lena lets herself be held.

“I love you Lena. And everything else… everything else we can figure out… we already have the most important thing figured out… all this other stuff? The distance and whatever… that’s easy. This. This was the hard part and we figured that out just fine.” Kara reassures her as she kisses the top of her head and holds her tighter.

Lena nods but doesn’t answer.

//

** _French Quarter, New Orleans, Five Years Ago _ **

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

“I could have told you that four beignets ago. But you insisted that you had a world record to set.” Lena pats Kara’s knee but doesn’t feel as sympathetic as she had during Kara’s third plate.

//

** _Toltec Mounds, Five Years Ago _ **

Lena is still laughing from the shore as Kara is forced to swim from her rented kayak to the pier. She was going through the safety instructions on how to use a kayak when Lena started taking off her long-sleeved shirt, to which her tank top had stuck to.

She hadn’t seen Kara’s kayak flip over. She only heard the splash and the sputtering that came after.

Kara tried to explain how it was so much easier to flip over in the sit-on-top kayaks, but Lena didn’t get close to that happening to hers. Even when boats created waves as they drove past their lazy paddling.

//

Kara sat in her underwear on top of the washing machine as she waited for her clothes to finish drying.

It was past midnight and the laundromat had been deserted for a while. Nobody else wanted to do laundry this late when they had work the next day.

Lena smiled as she leaned in for another kiss.

She still had a clean outfit, today’s outfit, because she had stayed on top of her kayak and not beneath it. As she liked to rub in Kara’s face. She liked that Kara was so outdoorsy but still clumsy because she caught sight of her. It thrilled her to know that she had that effect on someone.

Kara rolled her eyes and huffed out. “Come on Doc, I feel a cold coming on from that dip in the lake and I totally need kisses.”

Lena laughed and tried to get away from Kara’s embrace. “I’m not that kind of doctor, but I also don’t think that a sound medical practice.”

Kara kisses her to the sounds of clothes tumbling in the dryer and Lena has never felt happier than in this very moment.

When their kiss ends Kara smiles at her.

She wishes this could be enough.

That her heart would stop wanting to be with Kara long after this trip is over.

//

** _Lincoln National Forest, Five Years Ago _ **

The mountains are extremely beautiful, yet all Lena can take in is Kara. She’s explaining how they’re almost to the Bridal Veil Falls and Lena can’t stop staring.

They splash around in the falls for a bit to cool off and Lena wants to ask Kara to just keep driving. To go past National City and just keep driving with her so they never have to say goodbye.

She wants to feel like this forever. Just young and in love.

Kara stands up and tells her that she’s thinking too hard again. Lena rolls her eyes and before she can tell her something cheesy like she’s thinking about her; Kara grabs her and drags her beneath the waterfall. It’s not as powerful as Niagara Falls. It’s like taking a shower with a tub being poured over you at once. But it feels magical.

They kiss and Lena holds onto her. She never wants to let go.

//

** _The Grand Canyon, National Park, Five Years Ago _ **

Lena feels tears at the corner of her eyes. She can’t believe something this beautiful is real. She can’t wrap her head around how vast and colorful everything is. The layers of rocks are unlike anything she has ever seen before. She thought books and pictures could depict the sight before her. All she has are these meaningless words in her head that fail to capture how truly magical this is.

Kara squeezes her hand and she feels so happy in this perfect moment.

//

After a day of sightseeing in the intense heat, where they decided not to venture down into the bottom of the canyon, they settle down in the van.

They have slow and lazy sex, the kind that makes Lena miss something that she still has.

“Lena…” Kara whispers softly.

“Yes?” Lena answers in the near dark of the van. Not quite asleep but not fully awake anymore.

“Do you think… I mean, we’re going to Vegas as our next stop…” Kara stumbles through whatever it is she wants to ask.

“Mmmm?” Lena encourages her as she feels herself drift off.

“When we go to Vegas… do you think… like would you marry me?” Kara asks as she pushes something into Lena’s hands.

It’s like a bucket of ice water was poured on her. Lena’s eyes go wide just as her mouth drops in surprise. She stares at the object in her hand, turning it over in the dark van where only starlight shines through and the reality of this whole trip, their future and how they can’t be together crashes down on her.

She smiles sadly at Kara as tears run down her cheeks, “We can’t get married, we’re too young and we’re going to be living on separate coasts.”

Kara shrugs, unphased by the logistics of it all. Merely wrapping Lena’s fingers around the object she proposed with.

Not a ring.

Her mother’s necklace.

It was the only thing she had from her parents. Lena shakes her head and pushes the necklace back into Kara’s fingers. Kara puts the necklaces back in Lena’s hold and wipes at Lena’s tears as she answers.

“I’ve heard that Noonan’s isn’t unique in terms of the whole restaurant/bar/café thing they have going for them… I can get a job in Metropolis…”

“What about your dream job? You have an internship at Daxam Marketing waiting for you when we get back...” Lena reminds Kara.

“It’s not a dream job… it’s not a dream anything without you, Lena. I love you; I want to be with you. Even if we have to do the long distance for a bit.”

Lena wants to say yes, to get swept away in the magic of being together for these past couple of months. Of the nights when it’s just them. But she can’t. They’re so young and Lena has so many things she can say, so many reasons as to why this won’t work out. In the end, there really is just one: she can’t love Kara the way she needs it. She knows that just like the rest of her family, she is bound to destroy everything she touches.

It really is for the best that she is gone.

//

** _Hoover Dam, Five Years Ago _ **

The car is still silent as they make the turnoff towards the Dam. It’s the longest Lena remembers Kara being so quiet… so still. She is usually a bundle of energy that moves from one thing to the next. Always humming or tapping her leg up and down.

The four-hour drive to the Hoover Dam from the Grand Canyon had been excruciatingly painful because she didn’t know how much room Kara could take, how much life she injects into every moment she’s in, until she suddenly doesn’t feel fully there.

Lena knows that Kara is not deliberately trying to hurt her. But she feels that ache inside herself just the same. The worst part is that Lena can’t comfort her because she doesn’t want Kara to think she’s changed her mind about them or the proposal. So, they’re just stuck with a hurt Kara that is trying to process the rejection and a determined Lena who knows this is for the best.

They walk across the dam and stare at the beautiful art deco, the memorials commemorating those that died to make the desert bloom. Lena wants to marvel at the engineering feats that took place here but all she can think about is Kara.

Lena joins a tour group and she can’t pay attention to anything they’re saying. Kara waits outside, on top of the dam, while she’s underground in the tunnels and making her way to the generator room. She doesn’t take a single photograph or remember what they said. All she can concentrate on is how much Kara believes in them while Lena is not so sure.

//

They don’t drive to Las Vegas.

Kara takes US Route 95 instead of continuing on the I-11. They drive in silence. Static on the radio being no fun to listen to.

Lena spends the ride thinking about how maybe she can explain to Kara how she does love her… she’s just afraid of the miles between them. How the separation would be too much. How she can’t ask Kara to put her life on hold because of Lena. She doubts that she would be worth it. She doesn’t want Kara to wake up one day and resent her because she didn’t take the Daxam internship and stayed a barista for years before she landed something she wanted.

She looks over and Kara’s face is cast in reds and purples from the setting sun.

Lena closes her eyes and silently begs her to let her go. She wants Kara to be the one to let her go because Lena knows she can’t let go… and she needs Kara to love her enough to listen to her, to let her go… to not follow her…

//

** _National City, Five Years Ago _ **

Kara parks the van in front of Lena’s garage. The exhaustion of having to say goodbye weighing her shoulders down to a slump.

“You need help bringing your stuff in?” She asks.

Lena controls the surprise on her face. Kara’s first words to her in almost a day and she’s offering to help Lena as if nothing was wrong when everything was broken. Broken because of her.

“I’m good.” Lena says automatically and then angrily takes it back. “No, wait I’m not good, what is your problem Kara?”

“My problem? My problem is that I want to be with you beyond just this summer. I want a future with you, and you told me I was too young and stupid to know what I wanted… that I would change my mind or whatever instead of admitting that I know what I want. I want you and I don’t want to waste another moment not being with you.”

Lena wants to stop Kara from talking, from telling her how she believes in them, in her, but she can’t.

“I can’t do this. I can’t pretend that we’re friends when we’re not. I love you and I can see it in your eyes too. You feel the same way. But you want all of this to be over and I don’t know why. I… I can’t lose you Lena...”

Lena is crying and shaking her head.

“Kara, what happens when you start your internship and we’re living our lives separately?”

“I don’t want the internship, I want you!” Kara says with such determination that Lena feels herself almost give in. So she channels her sadness into anger, the way she was taught to.

“I can’t believe that you’re older than me and you’re acting so immature. You should know better.” Lena needs the conversation to end and she knows that it can only end if Kara is so upset that she just leaves her and this conversation behind. She gets out and slams the door closed.

Kara follows her outside and meets Lena in front of the back of the van.

“No, don’t do this. Don’t be a jerk so it’s easier to pull away.” Kara reads her so easily and Lena is ashamed about how transparent she is.

“Kara, I can’t have this conversation right now…” Lena tells her as she opens the van and grabs her things.

“Lena, please…”

“It’s getting late Kara. You should go home.”

//

** _National City, Present Day _ **

Lena is changing the renaming speech in her office to include some talking points the emergency meeting that took place with her board yesterday brought up when her intercom goes off.

“Miss Luthor, the reporters from the Daily Planet are here for that interview.”

“Of course Jess, please give me five minutes to finish up and send them in.”

She answers. Still feeling shaken up about how she narrowly missed being blown up in the Venture explosion because she was stuck in a conference room arguing about color schemes with a room full of men that detested change and wanted to derail the whole thing with unimportant minutia disguised as an emergency.

Lena steels herself for an interview she doesn’t want to do before the door clicks open and Jess is showing the reporters in.

//

She had expected Clark Kent, had prepared herself for the man that helped put Lex behind bars. She hadn’t expected Kara…

It has been over five years and when they shake hands, pretending to be strangers, it’s a mix of emotions. Regret at the fact that after five years they might be strangers. Sadness at the fact that the hurt from the breakup comes back just as fresh and stinging as if it had happened a couple of minutes ago. And understanding at what Kara was saying about understanding where Morgan Edge was coming from… maybe there was something to be said about someone worth fighting for.

Lena tries to make a joke about Catco, not knowing why Kara chose to work there instead of Daxam Marketing, but it lands a bit flat. Kara flinches as she mentions that she’s not a reporter, just shadowing her cousin for the day.

They go through the interview with Lena being so affected by Kara’s presence that she lets Clark’s digs at her family go without a second thought.

//

Lena has been alone in her office for hours and she feels like she can breathe again.

She had wanted Kara to stay behind, but her tongue had seized up and the last thing Kara said was “good day.”

Lena groaned and leaned back into her chair, her face in her hands as she felt stupid. She could have said anything and didn’t.

She should have told Kara not to go.

She finally had the right words and it was the wrong time. She was five years too late and she doesn’t know if Kara had waited for her. Lena wouldn’t have waited for someone that had handled everything as poorly as she had.

How could Lena tell Kara that she had been right?

It had taken her thousands of miles and sleepless nights to understand that she shouldn’t have left things the way she had. She had callously brushed Kara’s certainty aside without giving her the opportunity to try. And now she was ready to love without hesitation, but Kara was gone. 

//

There was a knock on her door and Lena didn’t want to be disturbed. It was late and Jess should know better than to let some unscheduled visitor disturb her.

She got up from her desk and quickly crossed the room with determined strides. Throwing the door open she was surprised to find Kara on the other side. Jess’ desk was empty.

“Hi.” Kara said shyly as she readjusted her glasses and the fight drained from Lena.

“Hello again, care to come in?”

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by these amazing gifs:  
https://withabrandnewname.tumblr.com/post/187764235360/supercorp-au-part-i-dont-ever-look-back-part  
https://withabrandnewname.tumblr.com/post/187785012624/supercorp-au-part-ii-baby-were-burning-down
> 
> And I used this trip/map to take them across the US:  
http://www.randalolson.com/2015/03/08/computing-the-optimal-road-trip-across-the-u-s/


End file.
